May 19th, 2010

I gave a presentation today to a group of professional colleagues interested in updating their knowledge of grief and loss in order to help their clients deal with loss more effectively. Most people still believe in Dr. Kubler-Ross’s research that proposed ‘five stages of grief’ as the way the dying and the bereaved adjust to loss. These stages included denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance.

Since her landmark study in the late 1960s, many thanatologists (who study dying, death and bereavement) have found that survivors react very differently to losses than those who are dying. They have to “go on” with life, living without their loved one, adapting to a world that is changed forever.

My own research found that the survivor’s view of the world can alter dramatically. Their assumptions about their mortality, time, priorities and values, and how they see themselves fitting into the world may be re-evaluated. During a painful yet necessary period of transition, which can take several years, survivors may have emotional “ups and downs,” engage in spiritual exploration, and evaluation of their beliefs and values. During this process, grievers may feel lost; however, as a mental health professional, I know that it is in this “transition” between the ending of one part of ther life and the beginning of a new phase, the hard work of grieving must occur.

I believe my colleagues had a richer understanding of the grieving process as well as the critical role they play in helping survivors through the essential transition that leads them to a new beginning with a full and meaningful post-loss life.

Are you lost in transition? Please feel free to contact me if you’d like to talk about it.

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May 11th, 2010

A client I met with this week was bemoaning the fact that she had “lost’ three children in the past three weeks. Two were the children of acquaintances: The first one was a five-year-old boy who drowned after wandering into the pond behind his parents’ home. The second was a twenty year old woman addicted to drugs who died of an overdose.

The third young man, however, was the friend of my client’s twenty-one year old stepson. He had introduced him to her just the night before. They went off to “party” on Saturday night – which involved drinking themselves into a stupor topped off with prescription drugs such as percocet, a powerful prescription pain killer. They stayed over all night. His friends say he fell asleep – they heard him “snoring,” and left him alone all night. When they awoke in the morning, the friends realized he wasn’t waking up and called 911 to transport him to the hospital. He was pronounced dead on arrival.

My client was outraged. She lost her beloved 28 year old son who was a drug addict who tried unsuccessfully many times to get sober. When he experienced anaphylactic shock, his friend rushed him to the local hospital where he succumbed after waiting for hours in the emergency room. One year later, she grieves her son and says: “I am sick of this. Too many kids are dying.”

Accidents among children and teenagers cause too many deaths. Parents are left behind to try to make sense of senseless incidents. They are challenged to live in the world without their children. Life will never be the same. They will never be the same.

I welcome you to share your stories about how your loss changed you.

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April 30th, 2010

Yesterday, I attended a one year anniversary memorial service for the wife of a client I have been seeing for bereavement counseling for more than 8 months. He is an 85 year old gentleman, a retired minister, I will call H., who was married to his wife, B, for 61 years until her death from renal failure a year ago. The event was a heart-warming gathering of family, friends, neighbors, and former colleagues for an afternoon service.

Shortly after I began meeting with H, he expressed a desire to complete a project B. had engaged in during the two to three years prior to her death. She had loved poetry since childhood, and had begun to organize and assemble poems she had been collecting over a period of seventy years. She intended to give them to her grandchildren “with the hope that they will have something from me which speaks to them in their own life journeys.”

What was special about this gathering was that it was held in their home, displaying paintings, objects d’art and photographs they had collected over the years. Many of these were hers, because she had been a gifted painter and photographer. H. had decided that having some of the guests select a reading from the handmade books he had printed of her collection, and comment on why it was meaningful to us. This was the tribute he wished to make to his wife as he marked the first anniversary of her death.

What a wonderful way to memorialize B’s life, and to honor and preserve memories of her! Despite many loving tears, everyone who participated, celebrated who she was as a wife, mother, friend and colleague. Like many of the individuals I portrayed in my book, The Five Ways We Grieve, H. chose what I termed the ‘Memorialist path toward healing’ honoring B and preserving her memory on the occasion of this very special first anniversary.

I hope this example may inspire readers and grievers to honor their lost loved ones in ways that are personal and meaningful to them.

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February 14th, 2010

Itls been a brutal winter so far with snow dumps across the country, bitter cold, and harsh nor’easter winds blowing through us. Memories of better times are dominating many of our thoughts.

I saw a client yesterday who told me this was a “sad week” for her because it was her mother’s birthday, and mom had died six years ago. Although she was grieving her mom’s absence, she shared with me a tradition she had developed with some friends, who had also lost their moms, to remember “her day.”

“Mom loved ice cream and often indulged herself in both a milk shake and a hot fudge sundae, and tried different flavors. She was tiny so she could get away with these binges when she felt like it! So, after I leave here, I am picking up my 17-month old daughter and we are meeting our friends at Friendly’s and celebrate her birthday together.”

What a great way to remember a loved one! Think of some of their endearing habits, make it into an annual ritual, and share it with friends! As I have proposed in my book, The Five Ways We Grieve, the loss of a loved one is a lifelong experience. We never get over it, as people in our society think we should. After all, this person was a part of us, and we want to stay connected to them. Recalling unique aspects of your lives together never go away. Like computers, our minds file these memories away until we need to retrieve them – often on birthdays, anniversaries and holidays.

So, what can we do when these recollections occur? As this woman suggested, you can celebrate their special habits, create a tradition for remembering, and share this tradition with others who can appreciate its significance. I call people who do this “memorialists.”

What can you remember about your loved one that you might develop an annual event about? Please let me know your experiences and ideas you’d like to share with others.

Stay warm. Susan

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